Here’s the very sad story.  Since the pesky economic crisis hit, many a Long Islander is finding it harder and harder to keep gas in their Hummer, Suburban, Expedition and of course Cadillac Escalade.  These poor SUVs are now languishing in the driveways of the modest McMansions that lard the leafy suburbs of Nassau and Suffolk Counties, leading to anguished cries echoing up through the double height atria of their owners’ humble abodes.

What started as a local effort, Operation Massapequa Gas (OMG!) has spread like a contagion throughout the neighboring bergs.  Here’s how it works.  We’ve been plucking the disaffected youth of Long island from in front of their Great Room plasma TVs and sending them out into the cul-de-sacs to raise gas money for their parents, so we can get those sleek and shiny behemoths back in the middle of the road again.

Equipped with specially branded SUV Sacks ® these enterprising kids are going door to door, asking their friendly neighbors for small change and ebay-able trinkets which they can turn into precious gallons of high-test for their poor house-bound parents.

Says Brianna Ashley Trianna Piskowitz, 16, of Syosset, “It, like, uh, makes me and my brother Sierra Cody Teton, like um like totally crazy to see mom and dad sulking around the house all day, watching reality TV shows and playing nintendo, when they, like, should be um out, leaving us, like alone!”

Such noble, selfless thoughts from the innocents.  It’s just inspiring.

This is just the kind of program which we think instills in our suburban kids the correct sense of values and ethics, and really sets their priorities straight, and I am truly humbled to be a part of it.