People like to wax poetic about how charming Canada Geese are, walking around lawns on their creepy scaly legs, swimming coyly in ponds and rivers and flying scenically around in V-formations.  It’s all rot. What they don’t realize is that it’s a pernicious, devious, waterfowlian conspiracy. The Geese are Agents of a Larger Doom. Just ask those nice people bound for Charlotte, North Carolina a few years ago who went for a little swim in the Hudson River.

How do I know this? Well think about it. Cute little geese building their humble little nests. Where? Under a municipal water tower. What’s on that water tower? Microwave transmitters, cell phone relay thingies, and a bunch of other high-tech stuff.

The ubiquitous geese lounging around on the White House lawn. Flying over midwestern missile silos in their insidious V-formations. Nonchalantly strutting around on fancy golf-courses, no doubt eavesdropping on CEOs and other corporate bigwigs.

They’re everywhere and they’re out to get us.

What’s more – they know we know. Just the other morning, I was lying in bed when we heard somebody walking on the roof over our heads. We thought it was one of our more gymnastic children. Imagine the chill that ran down our spines when we heard that dreadful doomful “honk.”

Running outside the house, I was terror-struck to see three sets of evil, beady little eyes regarding me with the utmost contempt and derision from on top of my roof – a basilisk stare from the most ubiquitous of waterfowl.

So what do we do? I don’t have a solution – perhaps it is just too late. But maybe we can prevent the spread of this conspiracy to other birds and animals. It’s time for some serious sucking up to our little animal friends. Leave the garbage out for the raccoons –  they’ll side with anybody who gives them food. Stock the bird feeders, hang up those birdhouses. Brake for deer and moose. Don’t give them any more reason to hate us than they already do. Maybe, just maybe we can stem the tide of animal hatred for us and prevent the immanent goose-led overthrow of the human race.

So next time you see a cute little goose hanging around, I’d say ixnay on talking about state secrets. Say nothing. Act casual. Inch slowly away.

The Geese are our enemies.